turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
