I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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