I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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