a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
