Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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