Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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