you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
