What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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