Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
