Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
