Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
