Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize