I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I wish there were birth control emojis
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
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