fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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