Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
