I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Ladies don't puke and tell
Randomize
