you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
