I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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