Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
