Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I think I just sharted jello shots
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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