I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
