i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
