I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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