Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize