sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
