We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
