quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
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No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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