Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Randomize
