Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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