Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Randomize
