when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
