And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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