is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
