What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
