i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
