OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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