I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
