theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
