Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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