just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
