how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
