I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Drunk is not a location!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
