i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Randomize
