I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
