You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
