She said her name was "party"
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
