K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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