I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
