If i come over, it means nothing
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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