just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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