all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I need to calm my uterus...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
