So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
