I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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