found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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