i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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