Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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